I’m now entering my ninth week in lockdown, like the majority of the population here.
Nine weeks without properly seeing my family and majority of my friends. That’s long for a social butterfly who is home almost every other weekend, and someone who spent every weekend the first couple of months this year at home.
I have to say, living on my own throughout lockdown hasn’t actually been that difficult. Apart from a couple of off days, I have managed to keep myself busy and haven’t had too much time to dwell on our current situation. I’m one of the lucky ones who is still able to work. Albeit not as busy as normal, but still busy enough to keep me going that I don’t get the feeling of wanting to crawl up the walls.
I have to say though, last week was a tough week for me. I really struggled. I had anxiety that was sky high. I was fearful, worrying about things that hadn’t happened and I felt like I was losing control of the circumstances around me… I was distracted from my work and I didn’t want to talk to anyone or engage in any type of conversation.
I was overthinking and overanalysing everything, the silliest of things which at the time, I felt were like a huge cloud hanging over me. I was being irrational, fearful of outcomes that have not yet even manifested.
The Saturday before, I had taken a socially distanced trip up home to see my family and nephews. It was so good to see them, but not being able to hug my godson when he wanted to hug me was very tough. Not being able to hug mummy and daddy was also very difficult. I’m a hugger by nature and I love the feeling of that close proximity with those that I love.
That was the beginning of my shitty week.
Through it all, I was trying to put on a brave face where I could; chatting to friends normally and getting on with things as I normally would do, but deep down, I just wanted to lie in bed and sleep or have a good cry. Something that I refused to do.
On Thursday though, I couldn’t take it anymore. I finally broke down. The tears were flowing, and I couldn’t make them stop but more than that, I just felt sad.
I felt sad for those who have lost their lives due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
I felt sad for all the businesses that have worked so hard to build up their success, which now may be at risk.
I felt sad for my family and friends who are working on the frontline, who are even more so affected by this deadly disease than I am.
I felt sad that life as we have grown to know it, may be changed forever.
I missed my family. I missed seeing my friends and going out for sporadic dinners and after work drinks. I missed my routine and I missed the gym (yes, that includes the 6am workouts!) I missed being able to go to the beach for a walk on a sunny day and I really missed my hairdresser and beauticians.
Through my sadness and my tears however, I realised that I am so lucky that me, my family and my friends are all healthy and well.
I’m lucky that I still have a job and clients with a company that I love.
I feel lucky to have an amazing community in my gym that, without a doubt, have made lockdown a lot easier, maintaining a sense of normality, in addition to the Wednesday night Zoom sessions which make me laugh, regardless of how low I’m feeling.
I feel even more lucky that I have such special family and friends in my life that causes me so much pain when I can’t see them, but thanks to modern technology, I can keep in regular contact with.
I don’t think it’s unusual for any of us to break down once in a while. We’re all facing an unfamiliar situation, listening to never-ending scaremongering reports in the media, not knowing what’s going to happen next. I’m not afraid to admit I’ve had a bad day or a bad week, but I hope that on the other side of this pandemic, we will all become in some way or another, more appreciative of what we have and what’s to come.
I hope it makes us more grateful of the people and things we have in our lives that makes every day, no matter how mundane we may think it is at the time, part of our exciting little journey.
Stay Safe everyone!